I'm gonna start right in on this one because there's too much material here. For starters, what's the idiotic fascination with Turkey? I'm sick of everyone with the "mmm TURKEY!" like they've never fucking ate before...It's just a big goddamn chicken folks! Some people carry on like a junkie at a methadone clinic. If you like turkey that much, then why don't you eat the shit every fucking day? let's move on.
My biggest complaint is that we need to figure out a better etiquette for arriving and leaving at family functions. You get there, and you have to kiss and hug so many fucking people that it's no wonder you are starving by the time you sit down. Then the small talk. "how are you?" "How's the Kids?"...Please for the love of God, shut the fuck up and pass the wine so I can get my wife drunk increasing my chances of sex when we leave this torture chamber.
And it's always right about that time I have someone's dog's cold wet nose being shoved up my ass! People, if you have a dog and have people coming over, put the mutt in the yard where it belongs. If dogs were meant to live inside a house they would have the opposable thumb needed to build one. people inside, animals outside...that's my philosophy. I don't need some dog with his nose in my crotch sitting under my feet trying to trip me because I may drop a piece of food as I stuff my face. And, of course these inconsiderate dog owning assholes never consider that there are some small kids in the house that get completely bowled over every time the dog hears another moron at the door. If you own a dog, be aware of who is in the house please. I'll tell ya what, the fucking inbred mutt knocks my kid over and it'll be carved up worst than the turkey, I'll tell you that.
And let's talk about etiquette. Now, I don't know about your house, but at my mother-in-laws place, it's a big table and of course everyone cannot reach all the side dishes. So EVERY year I suggest, everyone grab the side closest to them and we can all pass them down clockwise, efficiently letting everyone get a turn at the side dish of their choice. But NO! I am ignored because everyone is laughing at my fat uncle "taking my son's nose" as if the joke has not been played out enough, and laughing so fucking loud, you would think they were watching George Carlin or some shit. Although, I must admit that he has thrown his own creative spin on it by throwing the imaginary nose on the floor, causing my now traumatized son to look down on the ground pulling in a wave of laughter from everyone. All I can think is how high the therapy bills will be!
But, I digress. So now everyone wants a different side dish and although there is plenty enough for everyone, they seem to feel that it may be all gone by the time they get it, so they frantically start yelling "pass the peas","pass the peas","pass the peas","pass the peas"..OK I'll pass the fucking peas, can I chew??? I feel like taking the whole bowl and dumping it down your wifes shirt helping myself to my serving without using a spoon. And can you answer me one question? Why the fuck didn't you get your peas before we said grace and started eating. I say you get nothing now. You snooze, you lose! So the first half of the meal is someone asking me to pass something every time I raise my fork. I want to take the fork and jam it in my neck!
Now the worst part. You ate the meal...fantastic. Stuffed yourself like a big fat suckling pig and all you want to do is leave. You actually have to go through the whole process again!!! it takes me long enough to get in, now that everyone is fat and lazy it's really going to be a disaster getting out. And there's always some asshole in the bathroom "making room for more" which in turn causes you to wait, and wait because it just would not be right to leave (God forbid) with shaking the jerk offs hand after he forgot to wash them.
I love them all, the food was good, but Fuck them, and fuck thanksgiving.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
The Dangers of Holding a Door for Someone...
I am no longer holding doors open for people. I'm sick of it.
First of all how far does someone have to be for you to not have to hold the door for them? 50ft? 100ft?
Then, don't they have a responsibility to hurry up now that you are standing there holding it. Some fuckers take their own sweet time. what the fuck is that? I want to slam the guys head in the door jam five or six times when he finally gets there and watch him bleed from his eyes.
Then again, I hate when some asshole decides he will do his one good deed of the day and hold a door for me when I'm 300ft away. Now, it's cold out and I feel a responsibility to run to the door so the fucking boyscout of the year doesn't have to stand there too long. Now, I'm not in the best shape of my life so I break a sweat and I'm breathing heavy while I try to pour my fucking coffee. All because Dudley do-right decided he'd save me the monumental struggle of opening a door.
The worst is when you exit a door realizing that there was a person not far behind you...so you now have to double step it so when they come out, they see that you were way too far to have had to hold the door for them so you do not appear rude. Who the fuck am I fooling? The door is glass, they can see.
Of course you can get yourself in trouble holding doors too. You hold a door for a guy and then the next five people hurry up to get in and you are magically transformed into the goddamn doorman at the Hilton. I hate that shit. I was holding it for one fucking guy! Not the entire New York Jets, you fuckers! Now you have to try to make eye contact with someone to pass the door off like a goddamn baton in a relay race. Of course everyone is in on the joke so they all look down at their feet. i feel like putting on white gloves and holding my hand out.
I need this shit first thing in the morning? that's it, no more door holding for me!
First of all how far does someone have to be for you to not have to hold the door for them? 50ft? 100ft?
Then, don't they have a responsibility to hurry up now that you are standing there holding it. Some fuckers take their own sweet time. what the fuck is that? I want to slam the guys head in the door jam five or six times when he finally gets there and watch him bleed from his eyes.
Then again, I hate when some asshole decides he will do his one good deed of the day and hold a door for me when I'm 300ft away. Now, it's cold out and I feel a responsibility to run to the door so the fucking boyscout of the year doesn't have to stand there too long. Now, I'm not in the best shape of my life so I break a sweat and I'm breathing heavy while I try to pour my fucking coffee. All because Dudley do-right decided he'd save me the monumental struggle of opening a door.
The worst is when you exit a door realizing that there was a person not far behind you...so you now have to double step it so when they come out, they see that you were way too far to have had to hold the door for them so you do not appear rude. Who the fuck am I fooling? The door is glass, they can see.
Of course you can get yourself in trouble holding doors too. You hold a door for a guy and then the next five people hurry up to get in and you are magically transformed into the goddamn doorman at the Hilton. I hate that shit. I was holding it for one fucking guy! Not the entire New York Jets, you fuckers! Now you have to try to make eye contact with someone to pass the door off like a goddamn baton in a relay race. Of course everyone is in on the joke so they all look down at their feet. i feel like putting on white gloves and holding my hand out.
I need this shit first thing in the morning? that's it, no more door holding for me!
So I had to go through Airport Security Today
Seems, they really are buckling down which is for our safety, but it makes not fucking sense the way they are doing it. i had to go from NY to Boston on business today for a day trip.
first, they were giving a 65 yr old man hell because he compiled his medication into one bottle instead of having the separate bottles for each medication...I know you are supposed to carry the bottle on you, but come on! Give a guy a break, I didn't know the DEA's job was being done by the TSA now.
Secondly the most important is that 50 feet away from my terminal, I bought a bottle of water. Now I know we can't bring liquids onto the plane, but (silly me) I assume if you buy it after the security checkpoint that they know it didn't come from outside the airport since they are confiscating those items at security, So I didn't open it.
Of course, it was taken away from me as entering the plane. I said, "i didn't open it, I bought it right there, here's the receipt". The TSA agent with an armed army soldier next to him said "laughingly", I know, I know, but you can add a substance to the water after you get on the plane maing it a solvent or whatever.
SO here's the punchline...10 minutes after takeoff the stuartess came around and i asked her for a bottle of water...she gave it to me.
What the fuck? is there something different about the water on the airplane from the water in the giftshop next to the airplane?
I don't mind, i'd rather not blow up, but come on...use common sense, typical US government.
first, they were giving a 65 yr old man hell because he compiled his medication into one bottle instead of having the separate bottles for each medication...I know you are supposed to carry the bottle on you, but come on! Give a guy a break, I didn't know the DEA's job was being done by the TSA now.
Secondly the most important is that 50 feet away from my terminal, I bought a bottle of water. Now I know we can't bring liquids onto the plane, but (silly me) I assume if you buy it after the security checkpoint that they know it didn't come from outside the airport since they are confiscating those items at security, So I didn't open it.
Of course, it was taken away from me as entering the plane. I said, "i didn't open it, I bought it right there, here's the receipt". The TSA agent with an armed army soldier next to him said "laughingly", I know, I know, but you can add a substance to the water after you get on the plane maing it a solvent or whatever.
SO here's the punchline...10 minutes after takeoff the stuartess came around and i asked her for a bottle of water...she gave it to me.
What the fuck? is there something different about the water on the airplane from the water in the giftshop next to the airplane?
I don't mind, i'd rather not blow up, but come on...use common sense, typical US government.
Who has fucking block parties???
I thought I escaped this barbaric crap when I moved to the north shore of LI...the people down the block near the entrance of the development are having a block party today, causing me to go all the way around the development to get out.
I am sorry that I am a party pooper and a social recluse, but a bunch of idiots standing around the street drinking beer complaining about how their "boss" is an asshole while their kids are in that stupid fuckin blowup jumping castle so they don't have to watch them, while there wives talk about how they don't get fucked anymore is just not part of my culture. You know what I just might do?, I just might "be a good neighbor" have a fucking miller light and talk about how conversions are down and triple anal is now all the craze. That'll put a halt to their festivities now won't it.
I moved to an exclusive neighborhood to avoid these cretin only to be bottled in by them. Have your party in your yard and get the fuck off my road!
And don't even get me started about parades. Fuck parades! Blocking my roads and cause traffic so the goddamn high school band can play their god forsaken out of tune music somewhere, and the local veterans can take the uniforms from 1943 out of mothballs to [Barely] walk down the street really pisses me off. Isn't there a local Elks lodge they can go to? When I was a kid we walked down and took a look when there was a parade (usually to see the fire trucks..."oooo look at the pretty lights"!)and it lasted 15 minutes, but now it's a whole day affair. these assholes take folding chairs and coolers like they are online for fucking Grateful dead tickets. Can't people just stay the fuck home and let me drive my car?
And I'll tell you one thing. If that awful 80's pop, and wedding music plays one minute after 10pm and can be heard from my house, out comes the Mossberg 500, and i'm not shitting either.
I am sorry that I am a party pooper and a social recluse, but a bunch of idiots standing around the street drinking beer complaining about how their "boss" is an asshole while their kids are in that stupid fuckin blowup jumping castle so they don't have to watch them, while there wives talk about how they don't get fucked anymore is just not part of my culture. You know what I just might do?, I just might "be a good neighbor" have a fucking miller light and talk about how conversions are down and triple anal is now all the craze. That'll put a halt to their festivities now won't it.
I moved to an exclusive neighborhood to avoid these cretin only to be bottled in by them. Have your party in your yard and get the fuck off my road!
And don't even get me started about parades. Fuck parades! Blocking my roads and cause traffic so the goddamn high school band can play their god forsaken out of tune music somewhere, and the local veterans can take the uniforms from 1943 out of mothballs to [Barely] walk down the street really pisses me off. Isn't there a local Elks lodge they can go to? When I was a kid we walked down and took a look when there was a parade (usually to see the fire trucks..."oooo look at the pretty lights"!)and it lasted 15 minutes, but now it's a whole day affair. these assholes take folding chairs and coolers like they are online for fucking Grateful dead tickets. Can't people just stay the fuck home and let me drive my car?
And I'll tell you one thing. If that awful 80's pop, and wedding music plays one minute after 10pm and can be heard from my house, out comes the Mossberg 500, and i'm not shitting either.
Talk about annoying shit!
I stop into the supermarket to grab a few things real quick, and there they are...these groups that set up shop at the exit of a supermarket or convenience store to try and sell you something. You see them going in and now you're like "fuck, I have to deal with these assholes on the way out". Now when you leave, and they jump right in front of you. "Excuse me sir we represent the foundation for children's cancer"...CHILDREN'S CANCER? Now how can I walk away without even listening to the story, I'd feel like a total heel. The (young attractive) girl gives you the bullshit story about children suffering and finding a cure blah blah blah etc. etc. etc. and the whole time you are just thinking "I wonder if she has a landing strip or smooth shave".
Now she gets down to business, and let me tell you...remember the good ol days when they asked for $1? Those days are over my friend! Now they have this ever cute teddy that would be a great gift for a girlfriend, wife or kids for a mere $75, and you'd be helping to save a kids life (Jesus! talk about a guilt trip). Meanwhile your just hoping one of her tit's pops out, or as she bends over to grab one of these sweatshop made pieces of shit from the box under the table that you may catch a glimpse of some nip so you feel you weren't completely robbed.
Now what do you do? You can say no, but you are a dick. You say you have no cash on you...NO PROBLEM, these bitches take credit cards now! They know you were shopping and have your card on you. You're fucked, plain and simple. I wanna say " lady I can get three lap dances and a reach around for this, take the animal and stuff it up your ass!" that would be worth $75.
So you take out your wallet and get taken for your hard earned cash. They use cute girls on purpose because they know we cannot say no. The fat old veteran selling those stupid memorial roses I can walk right by, no problem, fuck him. So, he got shot at 100 years ago. Big deal. the civil war has been over for a long time now. But the girl is so much harder to be rude to. And you can't back out gently, because women are the best at using guilt, they use guilt the way an artist uses paint or clay. They are truly Picasso's in art of making you feel undeserving of everything you have.
Now you walk away after spending $26.97 in the store and it was a $100 trip for you. Plus the stuffed animal you have, which looks like a cross between a monkey and a moose, is so ugly and cheaply made by the Taiwanese children in the factory over seas that you don't even know what the fuck it is. You can't give a mutated animal to a kid so you give it to your dog to chew on...
You want my donation? advertise on TV, put an ad in the paper, don't accost me at the supermarket. The next time it happens I think I may just ask the girl if it comes with a blowjob and then proceed to unzip my fly just to see if that shuts her the fuck up. But I doubt it.
Now she gets down to business, and let me tell you...remember the good ol days when they asked for $1? Those days are over my friend! Now they have this ever cute teddy that would be a great gift for a girlfriend, wife or kids for a mere $75, and you'd be helping to save a kids life (Jesus! talk about a guilt trip). Meanwhile your just hoping one of her tit's pops out, or as she bends over to grab one of these sweatshop made pieces of shit from the box under the table that you may catch a glimpse of some nip so you feel you weren't completely robbed.
Now what do you do? You can say no, but you are a dick. You say you have no cash on you...NO PROBLEM, these bitches take credit cards now! They know you were shopping and have your card on you. You're fucked, plain and simple. I wanna say " lady I can get three lap dances and a reach around for this, take the animal and stuff it up your ass!" that would be worth $75.
So you take out your wallet and get taken for your hard earned cash. They use cute girls on purpose because they know we cannot say no. The fat old veteran selling those stupid memorial roses I can walk right by, no problem, fuck him. So, he got shot at 100 years ago. Big deal. the civil war has been over for a long time now. But the girl is so much harder to be rude to. And you can't back out gently, because women are the best at using guilt, they use guilt the way an artist uses paint or clay. They are truly Picasso's in art of making you feel undeserving of everything you have.
Now you walk away after spending $26.97 in the store and it was a $100 trip for you. Plus the stuffed animal you have, which looks like a cross between a monkey and a moose, is so ugly and cheaply made by the Taiwanese children in the factory over seas that you don't even know what the fuck it is. You can't give a mutated animal to a kid so you give it to your dog to chew on...
You want my donation? advertise on TV, put an ad in the paper, don't accost me at the supermarket. The next time it happens I think I may just ask the girl if it comes with a blowjob and then proceed to unzip my fly just to see if that shuts her the fuck up. But I doubt it.
Why Superman Returns sucked!, and how it could've been good [spoiler]
DISCLAIMER: If you didn't see it yet, don't read this. It'll ruin the movie for you.
If someone else made these comments earlier, I apologize, I haven't been on the board in a while, I just saw the movie an hour ago and have to vent a bit about this piece of crap before I grab the theater owner and shake my $13.00 form his dumb vest wearing ass.
----------------------------------
Anyway...I thought this movie was the biggest blunder in superhero/high special effect movies history. Worst than that fuck up of a "filler" movie Matrix III was. Here's why.
#1) They give away the fact that the kid is superman's son waaaay to early. The whole fuckin time I'm waiting for the kid to spring into action, saving them all and become the new superhero to eventually succeed his father yet the kid doesn't do a damn thing. Bad move having him throw the piano 2/3's into the Movie, and then being able to do nothing the rest of the movie (except the life giving kiss which I'll address in a second). fuckin stupid.
#2) They have Superman "save the day" waaaay too goddamn early in the movie, Him carrying the big chunk of earth into outer space foiling luthers plans should be saved for the last fifteen minutes of the movie in a heart-thumping turn of events that makes your adrenaline flow and you say "FUCK YES!!!!" under your breath. Not this B.S. that the end of the movie is this "will he live or not" crap, and then wooopeee he is still alive yaaaay. very gay and disappointing. It was almost a chick flick for christ sakes.
Now I'm no director, but Here's how I think the superman movie should gone.
First off, no hint of the kid having super powers at all until superman is in the hospital (maybe the comment by Luther just to place some doubt). Anything earlier just leaves you waiting for the kid to do something.
Second, The defeat of superman by lex should have ended him up in the hospital directly and with Luther still winning in his plans, None of that shit with the regular guy going back with his sea plane to save him, not believable and boring.
Now, with Lex about to take over the world and superman almost flat lined back home(Maybe even not almost flat lined...maybe dead, period), Louis cries over him and kisses him...nothing happens of course. Then the kid runs up kisses superman (Maybe you hear [in superman's head], Superman's father say something to do with what would happen if he has a half human son or something) and POW! the flat line shows beats, the machine starts beeping, his eyes open (music cues in) everyone gasps...the kid IS superman's son! He stands up, brushes himself off and say's, to the shocked Louis, kid and few people that have rushed into the room "I'd love to stick around, but I have some unfinished business to take care of". Now, he flies straight up through the fucking movie, zooms at amazing speed back to the island, slams underground, throws it into outer space (with some trouble from the Kryptonite, but barely making it OK). He foils luthers plans and saves the day in a heart thumping score of the full blown superman sound track making you jump out of your seat with fist raised "Fuckin A!" Then you can of course have your little scene of how Lex ends up stranded on the island for humor reasons.
AND THEN...at the end have the little scene where is talks to the sleeping kid, pronounces and confirms that the kid is his, and he flies off into the night, Looks to the screen like we expect, and the credits come up. You walk out wanting to be him if you are a guy, and "wanting" him if you are a woman.
Remember Superman two, where he crushes Zod's hand and the music Cues in...your adrenaline rushes and heart beats fast, it all makes sense! He tricked them using Luther. That's what i'm talking about! That didn't happen in this "half-a-fag" movie they are pawning on us as a new superman movie!
I walked out less than impressed, thinking the best part of the movie was the machine gun scene. And, wondering why in gods name he had to be away for five years in the first place...two thumbs down!
That's my two cents.
If someone else made these comments earlier, I apologize, I haven't been on the board in a while, I just saw the movie an hour ago and have to vent a bit about this piece of crap before I grab the theater owner and shake my $13.00 form his dumb vest wearing ass.
----------------------------------
Anyway...I thought this movie was the biggest blunder in superhero/high special effect movies history. Worst than that fuck up of a "filler" movie Matrix III was. Here's why.
#1) They give away the fact that the kid is superman's son waaaay to early. The whole fuckin time I'm waiting for the kid to spring into action, saving them all and become the new superhero to eventually succeed his father yet the kid doesn't do a damn thing. Bad move having him throw the piano 2/3's into the Movie, and then being able to do nothing the rest of the movie (except the life giving kiss which I'll address in a second). fuckin stupid.
#2) They have Superman "save the day" waaaay too goddamn early in the movie, Him carrying the big chunk of earth into outer space foiling luthers plans should be saved for the last fifteen minutes of the movie in a heart-thumping turn of events that makes your adrenaline flow and you say "FUCK YES!!!!" under your breath. Not this B.S. that the end of the movie is this "will he live or not" crap, and then wooopeee he is still alive yaaaay. very gay and disappointing. It was almost a chick flick for christ sakes.
Now I'm no director, but Here's how I think the superman movie should gone.
First off, no hint of the kid having super powers at all until superman is in the hospital (maybe the comment by Luther just to place some doubt). Anything earlier just leaves you waiting for the kid to do something.
Second, The defeat of superman by lex should have ended him up in the hospital directly and with Luther still winning in his plans, None of that shit with the regular guy going back with his sea plane to save him, not believable and boring.
Now, with Lex about to take over the world and superman almost flat lined back home(Maybe even not almost flat lined...maybe dead, period), Louis cries over him and kisses him...nothing happens of course. Then the kid runs up kisses superman (Maybe you hear [in superman's head], Superman's father say something to do with what would happen if he has a half human son or something) and POW! the flat line shows beats, the machine starts beeping, his eyes open (music cues in) everyone gasps...the kid IS superman's son! He stands up, brushes himself off and say's, to the shocked Louis, kid and few people that have rushed into the room "I'd love to stick around, but I have some unfinished business to take care of". Now, he flies straight up through the fucking movie, zooms at amazing speed back to the island, slams underground, throws it into outer space (with some trouble from the Kryptonite, but barely making it OK). He foils luthers plans and saves the day in a heart thumping score of the full blown superman sound track making you jump out of your seat with fist raised "Fuckin A!" Then you can of course have your little scene of how Lex ends up stranded on the island for humor reasons.
AND THEN...at the end have the little scene where is talks to the sleeping kid, pronounces and confirms that the kid is his, and he flies off into the night, Looks to the screen like we expect, and the credits come up. You walk out wanting to be him if you are a guy, and "wanting" him if you are a woman.
Remember Superman two, where he crushes Zod's hand and the music Cues in...your adrenaline rushes and heart beats fast, it all makes sense! He tricked them using Luther. That's what i'm talking about! That didn't happen in this "half-a-fag" movie they are pawning on us as a new superman movie!
I walked out less than impressed, thinking the best part of the movie was the machine gun scene. And, wondering why in gods name he had to be away for five years in the first place...two thumbs down!
That's my two cents.
Fuck St. Patricks day!
I'm gonna take heat for this...but then again...I really don't give a fuck.
I Hate St. Patrick's day!(And I refuse to say St. Paddy's day, It's stupid)
First off I hate these goddamn days where everyone is so fucking proud of the country they came from. If you love it so much, go the fuck back! you know why you are here? Because you ancestors fled or escaped some really sucky place to come to America, that's why! If you live in the USA, It's because it fucking sucked wherever you came from.
Second, everyone is so proud to be Irish. If I were Irish, I'd be so embarrassed I'd dye my ugly fucking red hair and pretend to be something else. Ireland can't fight to save it's life, is "occupied" by England to this very day, Is rampant with terrorism, And if that's not enough, the national holiday revolves around Saint Patrick, a pagan slave which spent most of his life locked up, "found god" like most criminals, and the rest of it spreading the brainwashing disease of Christianity. Gee Thanks!
Not to mention that the Irish are know for being drunks...now maybe I'm getting old, but Is substance abuse something to be proud of? That's a reason to put on a stupid fucking green hat and run around with a shamrock like some drunk fucking retard?
And I'll tell you another thing. Anytime I see the asshole (and there's always one of them) that thinks it's cute to put the "Kiss me I'm Irish" button on his crotch area, I kick him straight in the nuts.
As you can tell I'm not really the "social" type, so don't take offense if you are Irish. believe me, A ton of people want to say what I just said, but don't have the balls. And as a final note "It's Saint Patrick's day" is not an excuse to get drunk and drive a car...take a cab.
That's all I have to say for now.
I Hate St. Patrick's day!(And I refuse to say St. Paddy's day, It's stupid)
First off I hate these goddamn days where everyone is so fucking proud of the country they came from. If you love it so much, go the fuck back! you know why you are here? Because you ancestors fled or escaped some really sucky place to come to America, that's why! If you live in the USA, It's because it fucking sucked wherever you came from.
Second, everyone is so proud to be Irish. If I were Irish, I'd be so embarrassed I'd dye my ugly fucking red hair and pretend to be something else. Ireland can't fight to save it's life, is "occupied" by England to this very day, Is rampant with terrorism, And if that's not enough, the national holiday revolves around Saint Patrick, a pagan slave which spent most of his life locked up, "found god" like most criminals, and the rest of it spreading the brainwashing disease of Christianity. Gee Thanks!
Not to mention that the Irish are know for being drunks...now maybe I'm getting old, but Is substance abuse something to be proud of? That's a reason to put on a stupid fucking green hat and run around with a shamrock like some drunk fucking retard?
And I'll tell you another thing. Anytime I see the asshole (and there's always one of them) that thinks it's cute to put the "Kiss me I'm Irish" button on his crotch area, I kick him straight in the nuts.
As you can tell I'm not really the "social" type, so don't take offense if you are Irish. believe me, A ton of people want to say what I just said, but don't have the balls. And as a final note "It's Saint Patrick's day" is not an excuse to get drunk and drive a car...take a cab.
That's all I have to say for now.
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