Thanksgiving misgivings

I'm gonna start right in on this one because there's too much material here. For starters, what's the idiotic fascination with Turkey? I'm sick of everyone with the "mmm TURKEY!" like they've never fucking ate before...It's just a big goddamn chicken folks! Some people carry on like a junkie at a methadone clinic. If you like turkey that much, then why don't you eat the shit every fucking day? let's move on.

My biggest complaint is that we need to figure out a better etiquette for arriving and leaving at family functions. You get there, and you have to kiss and hug so many fucking people that it's no wonder you are starving by the time you sit down. Then the small talk. "how are you?" "How's the Kids?"...Please for the love of God, shut the fuck up and pass the wine so I can get my wife drunk increasing my chances of sex when we leave this torture chamber.

And it's always right about that time I have someone's dog's cold wet nose being shoved up my ass! People, if you have a dog and have people coming over, put the mutt in the yard where it belongs. If dogs were meant to live inside a house they would have the opposable thumb needed to build one. people inside, animals outside...that's my philosophy. I don't need some dog with his nose in my crotch sitting under my feet trying to trip me because I may drop a piece of food as I stuff my face. And, of course these inconsiderate dog owning assholes never consider that there are some small kids in the house that get completely bowled over every time the dog hears another moron at the door. If you own a dog, be aware of who is in the house please. I'll tell ya what, the fucking inbred mutt knocks my kid over and it'll be carved up worst than the turkey, I'll tell you that.

And let's talk about etiquette. Now, I don't know about your house, but at my mother-in-laws place, it's a big table and of course everyone cannot reach all the side dishes. So EVERY year I suggest, everyone grab the side closest to them and we can all pass them down clockwise, efficiently letting everyone get a turn at the side dish of their choice. But NO! I am ignored because everyone is laughing at my fat uncle "taking my son's nose" as if the joke has not been played out enough, and laughing so fucking loud, you would think they were watching George Carlin or some shit. Although, I must admit that he has thrown his own creative spin on it by throwing the imaginary nose on the floor, causing my now traumatized son to look down on the ground pulling in a wave of laughter from everyone. All I can think is how high the therapy bills will be!

But, I digress. So now everyone wants a different side dish and although there is plenty enough for everyone, they seem to feel that it may be all gone by the time they get it, so they frantically start yelling "pass the peas","pass the peas","pass the peas","pass the peas"..OK I'll pass the fucking peas, can I chew??? I feel like taking the whole bowl and dumping it down your wifes shirt helping myself to my serving without using a spoon. And can you answer me one question? Why the fuck didn't you get your peas before we said grace and started eating. I say you get nothing now. You snooze, you lose! So the first half of the meal is someone asking me to pass something every time I raise my fork. I want to take the fork and jam it in my neck!

Now the worst part. You ate the meal...fantastic. Stuffed yourself like a big fat suckling pig and all you want to do is leave. You actually have to go through the whole process again!!! it takes me long enough to get in, now that everyone is fat and lazy it's really going to be a disaster getting out. And there's always some asshole in the bathroom "making room for more" which in turn causes you to wait, and wait because it just would not be right to leave (God forbid) with shaking the jerk offs hand after he forgot to wash them.

I love them all, the food was good, but Fuck them, and fuck thanksgiving.